I always wondered what a professional massage would be like so one time when a local masseuse had a sale I took advantage of one. Of course up till then I had friends and family practice on me to varying degrees of success but I was always curious what the real deal would be like. So it was with some excitement that I went one cold winter day to have a genuine massage.
I arrived on time and was led to a darkened room by a receptionist. The masseuse was a rather tall woman with exceptional muscle development. She instructed me to remove as much clothing as I was comfortable with. I asked what was usual for this and she said most people stripped down to their underwear and covered themselves with the blanket on the table. She left the room and so I disrobed and lay on the table with the blanket covering me. After a while she came back in and told me to lay on my stomach. She spent the next several minutes walking around the table poking and prodding various spots on my body. I thought this was unusual but I had never had a professional massage before so I had no idea. After a few moments she asked me what areas I would like to have work done on. Well I said my shoulders are always tense the back near my neck seemed tight and also my calves were always tightening up-- Stop she said. I could spend the whole hour on just one of your calves you are in terrible shape. What would you like me to do? I was nonplussed. I don't know I said just do what you think would be good. So she spent the entire hour going from one spot to the next doing a little bit here and there. This was a deep tissue massage which I had no idea what that was. I found out. This was not my idea of a massage where you end up all relaxed. It felt like she beat the stuffing out of me. She left the room so I could dress. I felt woozy like I just went 15 rounds with her and lost. My muscles ached I felt worse than when I came. She entered the room and told me that to get me in normal shape I would have to come 3 times a week for a month and then taper off to once a week for several months and then at that point all I would need to do is come when needed. This would cost a fortune I thought. How did I ever get in such bad shape I wondered. As I contemplated this staggering to the door she spoke in a stern voice. Now don't forget drink lots of water. What ? She repeated drink lots of water. I just released a lot of toxins into your system that you need to flush out. If you don't you can damage your kidneys. Great! Not only do I ache all over and walk with a limp I never had but now I have to worry about drinking enough water so I don't get kidney damage. Wonderful. I never went back.
Stay tuned.
